Well, That Was Quick...



Well, Chipper Jones is officially retired. Wasn't sure what to do for this post. I mean, I could have posted all of Chipper's Rookie cards I own, and reminisce, or post all the Chipper cards I have received and not scanned in trade packages recently, and thus kill two birds with one rock.

But that wouldn't be right. Partly because the Cardboard Junkie already did this, and partly because I'm afraid my anylasis would come off as incomplete and weird. So, obviously, I'm going to write about Barry Jones. (Duh!)

I promised earlier to poke a little bit at my more humorous 1987 Topps cards. Where better to start than with this Barry Jones? Pretty sure this Jones and Chipper got confused for each other a lot in like, the minors or something.

This is probably how that went down:

Chipper: Barry, come on, we have a game in, like, five minutes.

Barry: Geez, Chip, I'm 'graphing for the fans!

Chipper: 'Graphing?

Barry: Yeah. (Ends signature with flourish)

Chipper: Is this like major league slang or something? Like when you talk about getting steaks every night?

Barry: Uh, sure. Whatever. (Glances into the crowd for any more fans wanting his autograph)

Chipper: I'm pretty sure we need to head in now. Unless you need to further validate your existence by doing this.

Barry: But I do.

Chipper: Come again?

Barry: Must...sign...more...

Chipper: Barry...

Barry: (Begins drooling)

Chipper: (To self) This is officially a problem.

Barry: (Stares into space)

Chipper: Hey, batboy, go buy a program or something-quick!

Batboy: Will you pay me back?

Chipper: Barry'll get you back.

Batboy leaves, returns with program

Chipper: (Stuffs program into Barry's hands) Pen, pen, where is a pen?! We need to start!!!

Barry: Uhhhhh.....

Barry signs program 3 times, the third time spelling his name "Barrett Claudius, Esq."

Chipper: Barry, speak to me!

Barry: What, WHAT???

Chipper: Pretty sure you just came out of a signing coma. You had all the signs: low blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, delirium...

Barry: I was just dehydrated.

Chipper: Whatever.

Barry: Why did I sign my name "Barrett Claudius?"

Chipper: I don't know, why did you sign your name "Barrett Claudius?"

Barry: You know, let's just start the game.

Game commences. Barry pitches 1 inning, leaves game after falling off mound five times in a row.

Chipper Jones replaces him in lineup. Gets team's only 4 hits for first time since Billy Williams in 1969. Becomes superstar, future Hall of Famer. Has blogs started about him, but not about him, just cardboard pictures of him. The end.

That felt good. Baseball cards hold a untold wealth of knowledge, folks.